Qing's blog

Friday, May 01, 2009

Three's a crowd.

It's 5am in the morning.. But somehow, I don't know for whatsoever reason, I can't sleep. Just been thinking about certain things. Looking at the picture, I'm feeling somewhat like the red rose. Though I'm there as well, but somehow I feel different, like I don't belong there or something. It's like we're from two different worlds.

Maybe I'm being paranoid. Maybe I'm just insecure. Or maybe, it's just pure jealousy. Though we've been together for 8 months, but something inside me feels kinda threatened by your ex in a way. In the way that I'm not as good as she is, or that certain things I do can never measure up to her. Or probably that I was unable to make you as happy as she did. I don't know. It just doesn't feel good, the feeling seriously sucks to the max alright.

I don't know what I should do. There are moments when I really don't know if we're meant to be or not. Somehow, deep inside my heart, I keep feeling that I'm not for you. You deserve better. Someone who won't lose her temper that easily, someone whom cares a lot about you & actually treats you well.
Listening to you tell me about your Secondary School/Poly band mates so happily, it makes me feel inferior in a way. It's like.. I can never make you that happy, that carefree. Though you may say you're happy being with me, somehow the happiness I see in you when you talk about 'em is different. Just pure happiness with no restrictions. It really makes me question whether you're truly happy with me or not.

You're not the only one who goes through the archives in my blog. I do the same for yours, it's just that I don't say much about it. Looking through them, your life in the past seemed so eventful. Always with a story to tell in every post. & they all seem to be happy memories. Happy times you had with your friends.
But for some reason, you don't have such things going on now. & maybe that's the reason for the lack of happiness in your life. Like I said, I might be paranoid, or insecure or plain jealous. But this is all I'm feeling right now. Or rather, it's what I've been feeling recently.

You know I love you so much. But I want to see you smile as happily as you used to. I feel so inferior & helpless for not being the one whom can make you smile like that. A smile or laughter with absolutely no worries. Can I see it happen while we're together? Or what I'm capable of giving you is just unhappiness or even sadness?

I'm sorry if my way of caring is intimidating to you. Or even making you suffer. But I do care. & I'm constantly worrying about you. So afraid that something might happen to you if I were to not be by your side. So afraid that I will lose you one day.
Do you know how bad I felt about not being able to come out & be with you on Monday because of my stupidity? I was worried about you being all alone at home. Worrying that you might skip meals & worrying about you going home all alone. But somehow, every single time, my worries turn into frustrations & I end up flaring up at you. I really do not mean it. I really do care & I'm just so afraid of losing you. I'm sorry if my words are harsh but I really do care. Always did.

Maybe you're feeling as insecure as I do. Worrying that I might have a change of heart in the future. Afraid that I might be swept away by some guy who likes/treat me well. I don't know what I can do to assure you other than tell you that I love you. I love you. & I will not stop loving you for as long as I can. We've been through so much these past 8 months. & we've such a long road in front of us. Though they won't be any easier than those that we've walked through, but rest assure that I will be there to walk through 'em with you. :)

xoxo
Qing @05:21