Qing's blog

Sunday, May 10, 2009

All the recent conflicts have got me thinking about alot of things. Where is this relationship heading to? What plans do we have? What are the current problems that we have?
I'm unable to find the answer to any of these questions for some reason.

Yeah, I've said before that you don't know me well enough. Apparently I was right. Maybe some things I said do not spark an interest to you or whatsoever, thus you never took notice or something. But anyhoos, these don't matter because that "quiz" is just a small part of it.

Time & again I was hoping you'd be stronger. But instead of being so, you're acting more & more girlish by the day. Always sa jiao over little stuff. Maybe it's me but I really don't like it. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Expecting that you'll try & be the stronger one in this relationship. Expecting that you'll not always go all girly on me & sa jiao. Expecting that you'll be able to protect yourself or maybe even me. Guess I was wrong for hoping for all these huh. You're very girly by nature & nothing can change that. Sometimes I really wonder if this path is for you or not. I'm never the type to sa jiao for no reason so I'd suggest you not hope that. :)

Maybe we do. But other than staying at home & gaming/going online, do we have anything better to do? Since the incident with your cousin, all I wanna do is save up as much as we can. So if we don't stay at home & just use the pc, are we supposed to go out & splurge on movies & unnecessarily expensive dinners?

Trust you. How do you expect me to? Time & again you do things to break that. Though you say you'll change. Seriously, have you? Why do you have to do things knowing that I obviously hate it & only change/stop it when I get pissed off? If you never cared about what I like/don't like, then please don't act like you do only after I get angry. You would not have done those things, knowing that I don't like 'em & giving yourself trouble because I'll get pissed in the end & you'll not be able to do WHAT YOU WANT. Do I think of what I really want? Maybe I do. But, DO YOU?

Yes. I do wonder that too. Maybe it might be better that you have your own life. Doing your own stuff. Not having to worry about me being unhappy about it. Maybe it might be better for you? You wanna focus on your work, & you wanna worry yourself with your family problems. Then maybe you should really just move back home, do your job properly. Spend the money as & when you like without having to worry about me. Seriously. Maybe that's really the life for you. The life where you will be truly happy in. Because, somehow, you don't seem happy with what's going on with me. Not liking the fact that I spend so much time on one game, bored with the fact that you're not interested in the game but you have to play with me though you're hoping to be able to play other games. Oh don't say you don't because if you don't, you wouldn't have downloaded so many fucking games last week even though you know I don't like it. Since you know what you want, why not just live your life the way you want it instead of having to bother about me?

Seriously. Ask yourself. What kind of life do you want? & what are you gonna do about it? If you wanna go back to your old life that badly. Or you wanna live your own life, please just let me know. :)

xoxo
Qing @03:55

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

I splurged again last night & got these.. ):

& I'm not gonna be blogging for the time being because all I had since last week was more & more anger welling up inside of me.
Happy belated birthday to Jieying though. :) Hahaha you're as old as I am ler! & I hope you enjoyed yourself that day ehhs! :P

xoxo
Qing @17:39

Friday, May 01, 2009

Three's a crowd.

It's 5am in the morning.. But somehow, I don't know for whatsoever reason, I can't sleep. Just been thinking about certain things. Looking at the picture, I'm feeling somewhat like the red rose. Though I'm there as well, but somehow I feel different, like I don't belong there or something. It's like we're from two different worlds.

Maybe I'm being paranoid. Maybe I'm just insecure. Or maybe, it's just pure jealousy. Though we've been together for 8 months, but something inside me feels kinda threatened by your ex in a way. In the way that I'm not as good as she is, or that certain things I do can never measure up to her. Or probably that I was unable to make you as happy as she did. I don't know. It just doesn't feel good, the feeling seriously sucks to the max alright.

I don't know what I should do. There are moments when I really don't know if we're meant to be or not. Somehow, deep inside my heart, I keep feeling that I'm not for you. You deserve better. Someone who won't lose her temper that easily, someone whom cares a lot about you & actually treats you well.
Listening to you tell me about your Secondary School/Poly band mates so happily, it makes me feel inferior in a way. It's like.. I can never make you that happy, that carefree. Though you may say you're happy being with me, somehow the happiness I see in you when you talk about 'em is different. Just pure happiness with no restrictions. It really makes me question whether you're truly happy with me or not.

You're not the only one who goes through the archives in my blog. I do the same for yours, it's just that I don't say much about it. Looking through them, your life in the past seemed so eventful. Always with a story to tell in every post. & they all seem to be happy memories. Happy times you had with your friends.
But for some reason, you don't have such things going on now. & maybe that's the reason for the lack of happiness in your life. Like I said, I might be paranoid, or insecure or plain jealous. But this is all I'm feeling right now. Or rather, it's what I've been feeling recently.

You know I love you so much. But I want to see you smile as happily as you used to. I feel so inferior & helpless for not being the one whom can make you smile like that. A smile or laughter with absolutely no worries. Can I see it happen while we're together? Or what I'm capable of giving you is just unhappiness or even sadness?

I'm sorry if my way of caring is intimidating to you. Or even making you suffer. But I do care. & I'm constantly worrying about you. So afraid that something might happen to you if I were to not be by your side. So afraid that I will lose you one day.
Do you know how bad I felt about not being able to come out & be with you on Monday because of my stupidity? I was worried about you being all alone at home. Worrying that you might skip meals & worrying about you going home all alone. But somehow, every single time, my worries turn into frustrations & I end up flaring up at you. I really do not mean it. I really do care & I'm just so afraid of losing you. I'm sorry if my words are harsh but I really do care. Always did.

Maybe you're feeling as insecure as I do. Worrying that I might have a change of heart in the future. Afraid that I might be swept away by some guy who likes/treat me well. I don't know what I can do to assure you other than tell you that I love you. I love you. & I will not stop loving you for as long as I can. We've been through so much these past 8 months. & we've such a long road in front of us. Though they won't be any easier than those that we've walked through, but rest assure that I will be there to walk through 'em with you. :)

xoxo
Qing @05:21